Phew getting back on schedule!!! Day65!!
Sep 11, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2lD2vQN8G8

[Music]
good morning welcome to Monday
yes I am wearing my same shirt as last
week but I changed up my hairstyle just
a little anyways so this morning I'm
gonna I have counselling so I thought
well I'll check in with you guys earlier
than norm just cuz I'm up and oli is
actually going to drop me because he is
going to go to Costco because we went to
go put the kids down for bed last night
and whoopsie we did not realize that we
were completely out of diapers
so thank God we had some pull-ups but
those are like clearly not diapers and
yeah they don't work very well I don't
care for pull-ups like I would never use
them for like diaper to like to Train
diapers or training or whatever that's
called I would ever use it for that
because to me pull up sir just like
diapers but
I hate when the perfume gets on your
fingers it's like your whole hand smells
like it um but anyways so uh anyway so
he's gonna drop me off at counselling
and then he's gonna take the two babies
to Roscoe and then he'll come back and
get me so he works out just fine I was
like oh that's fine
Austin we're not two things out at one
time so yeah anyways something I tried
different today I don't know if you guys
can notice her nude but look at my eyes
does it look stupid tell me your guys is
honest opinion be honest I know I won't
see this until tomorrow so I'm gonna go
out looking like a little fool if it
doesn't look good but I'm trying I don't
really like getting a whole bunch of
makeup like I told you guys before I
only technically use eye makeup and lip
makeup and then my lotion but today I
was like I haven't done it in so long
and I was watching somebody do it on
YouTube and they pulled their eyes see
I've never done it that way I've always
tried to just put eyeliner on just put
it on not like holding my eye you know
my eyelid and pulling it straight and
all that which I've heard you shouldn't
do that but in my case because I'm
illiterate and I don't know how to do
any type of makeup I was like no I'm
gonna do it this way and this is gonna
bug the crap out of me today so I don't
know if I'm gonna be able to do this
bone on the top of my head we'll see
it's just it's shaky
anyways um so I wanted to try it but I
don't know I don't know if it looks too
too funny try I'm definitely trying
anyways I hope you guys are having a
wonderful start to your Monday because
it's early here and my kids have already
started they I think they act like they
just wake up with like the Energizer
battery it's like where do you guys get
your energy because clearly when I wake
up it's like really but and my hubby's
already awake we just like started out
our morning so early and it's so nice
because before he would never come out
of the bedroom before 10:00 and I was
always up because I always had to be up
with the kids but it's nice to have my
partner up so that we can fight this
battle together team up anyways okay I
will check in with you guys here in a
little bit I'm gonna get him dressed so
we can get out the door okay we just
well I I just got out of my counseling
and it went so good which I will what
honey your blankie
where's your blankie down on the bottom
okay hold on just a second okay wait
until daddy comes okay hold on just a
sec anyways I will talk to you guys more
about my session in depth later this
afternoon when I get home but I just
wanna check in and say that I caught out
eleven twelve so I was in that for an
hour
can you get her hey everybody and
welcome to Monday night sorry I'm
getting my classes on now so I can see
oh so I hope you guys had a wonderful
start to your week you know Monday's can
always be such an adjustment because
you've got schedule changing like from
your weekend transition to your weekdays
you've got job you know stuff that
you're doing and
you know it's always just it could
sometimes be like a tough day you know I
hear a lot of people say that mondays
are like a lagging day for them they're
tired because they're transitioning from
being lazy on Saturday Sunday having
that time sleeping until yeah being able
to have to get up in the morning and go
back to work and do your 9:00 to 5:00 or
whatever work routine you've got going
on so you know it's it's there you know
I mean I think everybody handles
schedules differently and I always look
forward to Mondays and I think my
reasoning is because I have my
counseling on Mondays now I didn't have
counseling the last two weeks because my
counselor was out of the office but she
was back in this week so it was nice
because I felt like I was getting you
know a little bit more on my routine
again and routine is always a good thing
and it's a nice thing and it's a great
feeling to have a constant routine you
always know what you're expecting for
the next moment
some people work great with routines I
am one of those that likes to know what
each step I'm gonna do for the day that
way then I'm not just like dead stopped
in the middle of the week and go like
okay now what am I supposed to do for
the rest of week you know I mean it just
that's just kind of how I am everybody's
different so yeah anyways so today was a
great great day all around it was a
fantastic day I woke up well everybody
woke up really early this morning as you
guys seen I did catch that this morning
I went to counseling all he had to run
and do a couple errands go he didn't end
up going to Walmart which I'll fill him
with out in a minute but he did end up
going to Costco so he grabbed the things
that we needed from Costco well I was at
counseling usually I take myself to
counseling he just stays home with the
kids but because there was some things
that needed to be done we were just like
well why don't we just knock it all out
of the park at one time so we can be
home and not be having to drive around
it was
kind of a nasty day today here so you
know what it's raining and gloomy and
stuff I just don't like being out there
in the rain and having the kids out it
just it's better if we just stay home
and relax and so yeah anyways so why we
did not get to Walmart was because when
we stopped to get Ollie his red bowl at
the convenience store I'm sitting in
there and I'm like kinda here's
something in the back so I turn around
and there's my lovely son Omar with a we
have bought from Costco there the water
the orange juice containers that have
like the little sport lid so he can you
know they can think the babies and jar
mine can drink out of him well my son
decided that he was going to take it and
empty his orange juice into his cup
holder in his car seat he's only three
it's gonna happen at some point so my
lovely husband decided he was going to
take the the cup holder off and just go
dump the orange juice and we would clean
it up when we got home so my husband
decides they take the cup holder off
well it like caught on to the car seat
like the the base so when he pulled it
it jerked oh yeah there when orange
juice all over the top of the car on the
sides up in Ali's face Omar was covered
in orange juice it literally took his
breath away because it was cold and he
was like and then yeah let's just say
there was orange juice everywhere so
instead of going to
um my kids decided to open up my taco
cleaning wipes
anyways so instead of going to Walmart
as we were planning to go um we ended up
going home so MoMA could give kids baths
because it wasn't gonna be bath today
anyways I was gonna give them baths this
evening so I was just like well ok I
guess I'm just gonna give it to him
early and so he came home and gave them
baths and then Ezra and I laid down took
a little nap Omar sat and watched the
whole movie of Peter Rabbit I think it
was with ollie and um it's just I ended
up being a really nice relaxing
afternoon after all so it was nice we
enjoyed I enjoyed it I got a nap and
then we just had dinner and now we're
just kind of taking the evening to
itself and letting the schedule kind of
go to where it's supposed to go but
usually Monday's is the day that we talk
about counseling and today was a very
good counseling session definitely much
needed definitely much needed I come
from a place where as a child I did not
have control of anything I didn't have
control of where I lived I didn't have
control over who took care of me I
didn't have control over the changing in
my schools my friends I mean everything
pretty much everything was always chosen
for me so as a child I never really had
a true identity of myself because I
always had everything chosen for me up
until I was 23 when I moved out even at
that time I still had people pretty much
making every decision for me other than
I had to work for my money I had to pay
rent where I lived putting myself
through beauty school things like that
but life was still pretty chosen for me
for the most part
so I never really had a grips of control
over what happened in my life and in my
daily routines and things like that so
I've always struggled with that since
being an adult and being on my own is
this sense of not having control or the
sense of losing control over something
or not having the control over a
situation that is going on that needed
to be taken care of or whatever and so
this last week I really I honestly was
really struggling and you guys may have
noticed it a little bit with just my the
way that I was presenting myself my um
trying to think of how to like not my
nan my personality because you know I
don't feel like my personality changes
when I'm going through something but I
become more distant I guess you could
say and it's only to a point it's not
like it's something drastic or anything
but it sometimes happens um in this last
week I was really going through some
stuff and it all came from stemming from
well we figured it out today what it was
coming from because I told me counselor
I said I seriously this last week was
really really hard for me I mean very
hard for me I struggled a lot and I
think I struggled mainly because
Jeremiah was going back to school our
you know our fall schedule is changing
I'm starting the kids in preschool which
I'm doing it but it's still the point
that definitely schedules gonna change
all these going back to work a little
bit more I had my mom over for a visit
which she hasn't been here for over a
year so there was a lot of things
changing in my schedule plus I haven't
seen my nutritionist for a couple of
weeks because she's been in transition
of her own movie
to a new facility so we've been waiting
for her to get adjusted so we can get
back on track my counselor was gone for
two weeks so there was just a lot going
on emotionally and physically and I
think that with all of that oh you guys
a little bit closer to me I think with
all of that I think that because of the
sense of loss of control the only thing
that I knew what to do is to go to my
coping mechanism which was my food and I
acknowledge and I know where I totally
went off the deep end and I've noticed
that I've gone kind of gotten a little
bit lenient with what I've allowed
myself to eat a little bit more and
things like that and I just you know
this morning when I woke up I was like
no like this just doesn't gonna happen I
did not come this far I am NOT doing
this for nothing no no this is a life
change there's no going back to old ways
I'm gonna learn new you know new sorry
but I'm gonna learn new coping
mechanisms and new coping skills and how
to deal with stress and how to deal with
life in general because in life things
are gonna happen and I can't always run
from it and be like I can't deal with it
because you know I'm gonna overeat or
I'm gonna binge or a minute I can't I
mean life is life and it's gonna happen
like there's just no getting out of it
but I have to learn how to deal with
that at that time and so we talked about
that today and I really think that I I
think I really have kind of figured out
that when I feel like a loss of control
over something I run to my food because
that's the one thing that I can come
I can control how much I eat I can
control what I choose to eat whether
it's good bad naughty sad healthy not
healthy I mean I can control that and so
when I feel like there's a loss of
control I run to the one thing that I
know I can so I have to figure out how
to get out of that repetitious cycle of
constantly going back to that thing of
when I'm in a binge on what I'm gonna
eat you know today for some reason I was
extremely hungry I don't know why I woke
up I had my oatmeal and then I was
really hungry when I came home from
counseling so I ended up having some
garden crackers crackers I don't know
exactly the name of it I think their
apartment crackers but I had a few of
those not a lot about a half an hour
later I was like oh my god I'm hungry
again so I went ahead and I had a turkey
sandwich and and that was good that
substan me and then my child miss Ezra
brought in her treat treat and mommy had
to treat herself so I had a couple
chocolates which again okay I'm not
gonna sit there and beat myself up over
it but tonight for dinner I had the
zoodles which I showed you guys in the
chicken and then that's all I'm gonna
eat tonight I'm not gonna have any
snacks this evening I'm not I really got
to kind of get back on my gear of
control get back under the control of
what is acceptable what is not
acceptable and not allowing myself to
get comfortable in the non well not
allowing myself to get comfortable in
the negative cycle that I've always ran
to and allow myself to suffer back into
it because all that's gonna happen is
I'm
gonna gain my weight back I'm gonna
become angry at myself
and I don't want that I don't want that
lifestyle like I truly am enjoying so
much allowing myself to have this life
again being able to get up on my bed
where I couldn't even get up on this bed
it was literally a chore to get up on
this bed and now I just sit right on it
and flip right back up on it and come
off of it and you know I'm starting to
be able to give myself my showers and
I'm starting to feel so good and it's
like why would I even even think twice
about going to that like whoa where
would that get me that's not gonna give
me nowhere and so I'm not I'm not
allowing myself to do that and I'm gonna
do it to get back to where I need to be
because I'm not I'm not okay with that
like I really truly am NOT um I think
tomorrow you know it's supposed to rain
a little bit tomorrow but I don't care I
think tomorrow I'm gonna go for a walk
and I'm gonna start getting a little bit
more extra exercise in um you know III I
have to take control over the situation
because it's starting to spiral out and
it's not okay
and so I will nip it in the bud and I
will do what I have to do to get this
back and I mean I'm not nowhere off of
like totally gone back to my old living
habits like absolutely not
but I can see that happening if I
continue to allow myself a little bit by
a little bit because with me if I give
myself an inch I'm gonna take a mile I'd
give myself a mile and I'm gone for a
journey and I just can't I'm not at a
place where I can even give myself an
inch right now because I still I'm still
so fresh into everything changing that I
can't handle an inch I have to keep
myself grounded so much and so that's
kind of what we talked about today was
that and you know again respecting on
the way the things are ran
around my home and you know how I was
able to reach out to Olly last week and
tell him that you know I was getting
really frustrated and I needed a little
bit extra help with the kids and you
know I just need some downtime once in a
while and how he's accepted that and he
has been there 100% I mean he has
totally been so proactive helping me
emotionally with the kids that he's just
constantly you know like how do you want
you go take a break you know go sit in
your room for a little bit have some you
time go watch a little bit of Netflix
you know do something for yourself or a
little bit and I need that like I was
explaining to him today because I was
explaining it to my counselor was that I
grew up mostly grew up thinking that
taking a break was going to result in
people being mad at me attitudes
comments making me feel very very very
guilty for asking for time down and that
means everything from being able to
sleep in sometimes in the morning mm-hmm
you're up get up
chores need to be done life has to go on
you know kids got to be fed things like
that not saying for heaven's sake that I
did it all by myself no but you know we
didn't sleep in we did not
there was no sleeping in nap time there
was no nap time there was you know when
the kids in the daycare and suffered
down for a nap you're up cleaning or you
know you're watching the kids while
they're taking a nap so one can have a
break and so I grew into thinking that
asking for breaks or asking for time
away was just gonna result in me being
made to feel bad and so even to this day
I have a very hard time asking Ollie for
a break or asking for him you know if I
can go in naughty the
that's just it it's asking him you know
he's never been like you have to ask me
you know never has he ever been like
yeah well you need to ask and then I'll
tell you but I never I first of all I
would never feel comfortable coming to
him and being like hey I'm gonna take
you know 30 minutes to an hour to myself
because I need a break I just couldn't
do that emotionally I I would be all
torn up I could never come to him and be
like hey I'm gonna go take a nap today I
really need it no no no no no no no I
have to wait for him to give me
permission to allow me to take a break
or to allow me to take a nap because if
I do it on my own
I feel selfish I feel like he's gonna
get angry I feel like he's going to be
have attitude even though it's never
happened please don't get me wrong I
mean I'm please don't get me wrong I'm
not saying he's done that but that's how
I was brought up
so now as an adult because I was brought
up that way I feel like I can't ask him
for a break I can't ask him for a nap
because I feel guilty I feel it takes me
back to when I was younger the feelings
that I felt then I don't want to fill
now although he's never made me feel
that way
and he's told me multiple times honey
you do what you need to do if you need
to take a break tell me tell me hey
honey I need to take a break or hey oli
I'm really tired can I take a nap he's
like just tell me that you need to take
a nap and I'll you know I'll make sure
that I'm available to watch the kids or
you know and sometimes he'll see me
tired but he'll see that I'm not asking
or telling him so then he'll tell me
honey why don't you go take a nap I see
that you're really tired and sometimes
I'm hesitant sometimes I'm like no it's
okay it's okay and you'll be like no go
go take a nap you need it if you need
extra sleep go and so sometimes I'll lay
there and I'll just be like feeling so
guilty and so bad that
I can't eventually go to sleep because I
just worked myself so far up emotionally
and I'll feel so guilty laying there
that I'll just feel like I I gotta get
up like I seriously have to get up and
so feeling validated that it's okay to
take a break and it's okay to ask for
help and it's okay to say hey you know
I'm struggling right now with the kids
or with the house and I need a little
extra help that it doesn't make me less
of a person it doesn't make me bad for
asking for extra help or you know the
time down it doesn't make me a bad
person but for me because of how I was
brought up I feel like that makes me
feel weak that makes me feel like I'm
letting so many people down when I have
to take a break or you know be that I'm
being selfish and so that was talked
about today and you know when I talked
to Ollie about it on the way home and he
was like honey I've told you that
already you know like I don't mind if
you every day want to go and take a nap
you know as long as I'm home you know or
even if I'm not home lately kids down
and go and lay down with them like he's
like you don't have to stay up he's like
that is the greatest thing about me him
working and allowing me to be that
stay-at-home mom and wife is that he's
given me that chance to rest when I need
to rest and nap if I need to nap but
also being that stay-at-home mom and
wife I too still deserve time away for
myself because state being a
stay-at-home mom is not an easy task by
any means let me tell you people sit
there sometimes at oh it's got to be
nice to be a stay-at-home mom um sweetie
message mean I'll give you my address
you can come be my stay-at-home wife for
a little bit and then you tell me how
easy of a job it is it's very very
difficult being a stay-at-home mom and
wife there's multiple multiple tasks and
duties you have to do every single day
and you're on the go from the moment
your children are awake till the moment
your children go to bed
you're on the go you can't just stop you
can't clock off and say okay well I need
my lunch break or clock off okay I'm
taking 15 you know unless you have your
backup partner which would be my husband
you know and then he's there and he does
give me that but sometimes he's not
available sometimes he has to be gone at
work and when that happens it's on me
and so I have to figure out what's gonna
work schedule wise for myself to still
be able to get those mental breaks
because being a stay-at-home mom is very
tacked in sometimes and sometimes it can
be overwhelming I mean truthfully it can
be very overwhelming there has been days
where I just wanted to sit in a corner
and cry because my kids have just been
awful and they're young they're little
they don't know any different they're
just learning themselves they're just
learning how to communicate their needs
and wants and I try to remind myself of
that that I was there one day too I was
their age at one time and I'm sure I
cried and I'm sure I threw tantrums and
I'm sure I wanted the same things they
did and all I want to do is show them
that their feelings are validated that
they are validated as a little human
being that they're not naughty for you
know their behavior to a point you know
now I've received a few messages by one
certain person it was only one person
but some of those messages disappeared
so I don't know maybe they took them off
but you know one of them was you know
you negotiate with your children a lot
and you allow your children to get away
with way too much I can agree it to some
extent yes I will agree to you with that
that comment I do negotiate with my
children sometimes sometimes I negotiate
not just because it's a okay I'm gonna
let them win it but I negotiate with my
children because I treat them like a
human I like to allow my children a
little bit of leeway to finally make
some decisions on their own a certain
age which is about
Ezra's age she's two and a half she's
almost three and there comes a point in
age in a lifetime that I start allowing
them to start making little choices for
themselves things that they like you
know what do you want to wear you know
what do you want for lunch today
you know what kind of drink do you want
to drink what movie do you want to watch
how are you feeling today things like
that do you want your hair put up today
or do you want it left down let's wash
your hair today and they freaked out
well then today's just not the day I'm
gonna fight with you I'll just I'm not
gonna fight with you about it um you
know Maya Jeremiah I I've raised him the
exact same way Jeremiah has grown up
since the age of three pretty much
making decisions on his own when he
wanted to see you know of you know if he
wanted to go visit a family member or if
he didn't want to go visit a family
member
excuse me up until I see that a decision
needs to be made out of safety I'll have
my children the the freedom to make
quite a few decisions on their own
that's allowing them to learn their own
identity if I'm there to make every
decision for them they're not gonna know
who they truly are they're gonna know
what their mama wants but they're not
gonna be able to voice their own opinion
and every human being has an opinion and
that's why I I run by that every single
day that's my motto every human being
has an opinion and they're allowed to
share it whether I agree with it or
don't that's my choice that that that's
my right but every human being from
birth till death you have the right to
have your own opinion like I said
doesn't mean everybody's gonna agree
with it but it's there
and I like to raise my children to
believe that they have an opinion their
opinion matters their feelings are
validated and we're gonna work through
it Omar and Ezra are only 11 and a half
months
part they are both in the same stage as
if they were twins I think we have hit
terrible twos a little bit late with
Omar and Ezra is just at her terrible
twos right now so we have two children
going through terrible twos at the same
time that is not an easy thing it is
very frustrating at times
Omar is right at that stage where and s
was kind of at that stage not not a
hundred percent yet and I'm praying she
doesn't get into it all the way is he
doesn't have a voice he has a screaming
voice when you want something he's just
gonna scream it he doesn't comprehend
that he has words and he can use them so
what we have been doing is when he wants
something he'll that's that's how we got
to the example what I'm gonna use and I
will stop ahem and I will look at him
down at his level and I'll say Omar
screaming is not acceptable that's not
how we ask for something use your words
and tell mommy what you want oh my oh ma
can I help you ask me yeah may I
and he'll repeat me can I have a cookie
please and then my response is yes you
may I give him the cookie and then I say
now what do you tell mommy and he'll
look at me
thank you mommy and I say you're welcome
Omar and there you go it's a it's a
quick fix but you know what it's all
amount of training and teaching your
children that they all have fillings
they all have opinions
they all have wants and needs but it's
all learning the tactics of how to
express those and so I understand that
to some of you guys you're probably
thinking holy hell
her children do nothing but scream and
cry and they do they do they do but we
are trying to work with them every
single day we are working with them and
it doesn't go without there are days
where I'm screaming at them you know I'm
not a perfect parent I am far from a
perfect parent we are all learning this
together you know I had Jeremiah and
then now we have two that are 11 and a
half months apart so I mean it's not a
hundred percent easy all the time but we
are all learning this together and we
are gonna have our good days we're gonna
have our bad days and we're gonna have
our really really really rough days and
we've had every single one of those kind
of days in our home but it's how we
handle it and how we continue to embrace
those moments is how we're gonna get
through each of those days so as much as
the last couple of weeks I have felt
very lost I have felt very overwhelmed
but I've felt very defeated in many
situations with my kids and there has
been a few days where I just wanted to
throw my hands up and be like I'm done
like I'm done I just want to run away I
have at it but then I stop and I take my
break and I really think about my family
and I think about how God blessed me
with these two amazing beautiful babies
and with an amazing amazing 11 year old
child 7 years before all of this chaos
happened because with him it was much
much calmer it was very calm when you
had to intuit when you asked for to
scoop or ice cream you better make sure
that you've got a mess coming but you
know I mean God blessed our little tiny
three-person family with these two
beautiful babies and it's gonna be
overwhelming at times but I have to stop
and remember what our family went
through to get these two babies and I
would never in a million years ever wish
that any of that didn't happen and never
in a million years would I ever wish
that I would have never had the two
babies that I have so as much as it can
sum
times be very overwhelming I have to
stop and look at the other part of the
page and see these two beautiful babies
and I am going to insert two pictures
right here
you
those are my two little nuggets
and when I looked at those pictures the
other day it just very much reminded me
of what we are blessed with and days can
get hard but when I stop and I look at
those pictures it's such a great
reminder of what we were blessed with
and it can get hard at times but at the
same time at the end of the day when
they're all sleeping and they're nice
and comfy q4u little beds I can look at
them and say they are complete blessing
to us so it's been a struggle the last
few weeks but it's okay life is gonna
work itself out I feel like things are
getting better things are getting a
little bit more on track things are
working out and schedules again I'm back
in my counseling which that immensely is
part of my my routine I have to have my
counseling and you know I may have to
have counseling for the rest of my life
I don't know where it's gonna take me
but I do know that I have to learn just
a second anyways um but as much as I
know I will probably be in counseling
for a long time because that is my
fulfillment for the rest of the week and
I need that I need that and my counselor
is an amazing counselor and I could not
be happier with where I'm at so anyways
I really hope you guys had a wonderful
start to your week it has been an
amazing day today and I feel like I'm
starting to get a you know like a hold
in it and a grip on things and I'm
starting to feel more successful and
that's always
so anyways I am going to close because
my daughter okay
I told you if I come in here you gotta
be quiet okay okay but it's gonna be
pajama time yes but it's gonna be Johnny
time you can you can watch or you can
wear your monkey tomorrow okay cool
thank you for sharing
Kim Kim mom please close her video
really quick and then we'll talk okay
you poop in your pants or you pooped in
your diaper okay
children love him have months apart
yeah wanna anyways I'm gonna close here
I need to get my kids changed obviously
and get jammies on them cuz they are
ready for bed but I hope again that you
guys had a wonderful start to your week
I had an amazing day I will start again
fresh tomorrow morning and I will check
with you then talk to you later
[Music]
